I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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