So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
