i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
