in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
