I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
