My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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