We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
