My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
