my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
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If you die in college, do you die in real life?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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