Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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