I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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