he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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