Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So squirting runs in the family.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
