According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I need a beard to bite.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
