my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
