never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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