I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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