Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
