i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Randomize
