I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
