dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
