i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There's always time for handjobs
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
