I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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