i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
