I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
