he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
