i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
