Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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