She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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