In the future we'll all be gay
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
