Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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