Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
