You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
