I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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