nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
