Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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