My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
