no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
