everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
