If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
