remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My bed smells like the plague
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
