im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
