just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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