just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
