I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
