we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
