i think my mom watched the whole time
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
