Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
