When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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