the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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