i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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