New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
