I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
